Spotted Dick
by Ruhgozler
Summary: Everyone is sick and tired of American Transfer Student, Mary Sue, especially her Housemates, the Slytherins. It's enough to make Draco lose his composure at dinner. Pudding flies. Snape prays. Warning: This is either screamingly funny, or quite twisted.


Disclaimer: I do not own any character or part of the Potterverse.

Warning: Sexual innuendo and food related violence abound.

Rating: PG-13.

Pairing: Don't even contemplate it on this one.

Author: Ruhgozler

Notes: Thank you to Ginny Ha Ha for betaing. Also thanks to Havelock for taking a nice, mildly humorous fic and pushing it right over the fricking edge into something twisted.

Constructive criticism welcomed. Flames will be passed around amongst my friends for a good laugh.

Spotted Dick

Draco Malfoy had taken about all he could take of the American transfer student, Mary Sue Whatsherface. He swore that if he heard her say "In America we…" one more time, he was going to have Crabbe and Goyle shove her face down a toilet.

It had only been three days and all the Slytherins looked like they had been on a forced march through Hell. Tempers were short and no one looked their best. He'd looked in the mirror this morning to find horrid dark half moons under his eyes. This could _not_ go on.

"What is _that_ stuff?" Mary Sue pointed at a dish suspiciously.

"Spotted Dick," replied Pansy in a tired voice. 

"Oh you must be kidding," Mary Sue's voice was pitched even higher than normal. "Do you _know_ what that means?"

The Slytherins looked around at each other distressed. Of course they knew what it meant. They were well aware of the double-entendre. Did she think they were idiots? But _honestly_, the dish was ages old and it was _just_ a name after all. 

"Well in America…" she began… 

That was it. Draco lurched to his feet and snapped, "Who cares about America?! This is England. Remember?! You transferred here to learn about a different country?! Why don't you just shut up and try it!" 

"Not in _this_ life," Mary Sue huffed haughtily.

"Try it, or I swear I'll enjoy forcing it down your throat," growled Draco narrowing his eyes in a way that made everyone else draw back and hold their breath.

"Oh? You and what army, you little twerp?"

Draco sneered and purred, "Grab her boys."

Crabbe and Goyle, his well-trained henchmen, instantly jumped up and leaped for her. At the same time, Draco stepped up onto the bench and grabbed a serving spoon full of the offending pudding. He lunged across the table on his knees thrusting the spoon at her. Plates, platters and goblets went flying.

Mary Sue threw herself backwards out of their grasp. She tried to get as far from the blonde maniac as she could. She slipped on something gooey and went down. 

Panicking she cried, "Help! Murder! Help!"

"You aren't dead yet so it can't be murder!" Came the answer of a helpful Ravenclaw-- sounding slightly disappointed. Her sentiments seemed to be echoed in the murmurs of other students throughout the Hall.

"Fine! Help! Attempted murder!"

Every student in the Great Hall was now on his or her feet. They all-- including the Gryffindors, seemed to be cheering Draco and his goons on. Draco paused for a moment. This was quite a switch from being booed by the other Houses. Also, it wasn't his birthday – that cheer made no sense to him at all. Quickly coming to his senses he leapt back into the fray.

Ron leaned over to Fred and George and asked, "What did you slip into the Slytherin drinks?"

"Us? We thought maybe you did it," one of them commented, raising an eyebrow and then returned to shouting encouragement to their House's archenemy.

Crabbe and Goyle pinned her against a section of the Hufflepuff table. The nearest occupants fled. Mary Sue squirmed in their grasp. She began to crawl over the bench, heading for the other side. They each grabbed a leg and pulled. She latched onto a Hufflepuff and held tight. She heard screaming, as her anchor fought to keep from getting dragged into the mayhem. 

"I can't get to her like that. Pull her out. Here, hold her head still!" ordered Draco standing there like a general, waving his Spotted Dick threateningly.

The goons finally pinned her to Goyle. He had her in a headlock. She could see a crazed Draco bearing down upon her, Spotted Dick in hand. Without thinking, she pulled up both feet, planted them on his shoulders and shoved. The minion of evil stumbled back, never losing his grip on his Spotted Dick, marveling at her flexibility. 

"Don't let her do that to you! You're a Malfoy!" cried a girl from Slytherin.

"Get her Draco!" yelled someone across the Hall.

Draco wasn't sure if he wanted to know who shouted, "Shove it in her mouth! Make her taste it!" Perhaps it was best that way.

"Crabbe, get her legs," he snarled. "Goyle, you moron, I can't get it in her mouth if you have your elbow under her chin… Damn!" Draco exclaimed suddenly, "I got some in her eye." 

Crabbe squealed, "Don't get any on me!"

With a grunt, Goyle shifted his grip. Mary Sue found herself held tightly by one arm around her chest and another around her forehead. Crabbe's entire weight was across her lower body. Something hard pressed into her. Surely she lay upon a butter knife.

"Mwahaha! Me and _this_ army you insufferable American!" cried Draco with maniacal victory as he landed on top of her and shoved the entire serving of Spotted Dick into her gaping mouth. He was surprised at how easily she swallowed the spoon. She didn't gag at all. It was a little disappointing.

The hall reverberated as Draco screamed: "Yes! Yes! Now swallow it! Every last drop! You know you like it!" 

Draco knelt above her panting. The spoon still tightly gripped in his fists, the tip glistening in the candlelight. Mary Sue lay there looking up at him with wide, glazed eyes. Pudding trickled from the corner of her mouth. Professor McGonagall looked a little flushed. One of the first year Ravenclaws fainted. 

Up at the Head Table Professor Snape surveyed the pile of Slytherins surrounded by all the other Houses, cheering senselessly. He dropped his head into his hands and murmured, "Dear God, _why_ couldn't I have been a Hufflepuff?" 


End file.
